Maybe?

Maybe all I can do from this point forward is focus on me myself and I.  Focusing on other things does not really do me much good except disappoint me.

Relationship Nightmares

It’s finally time to talk about another topic on my list of life events to catch up on writing about.  Relationships.  Oh boy.  I think I will break this topic up into two parts.  First part will be all the terrible things I have experienced in relationships.  Part two will finish off on a happy ending talking about the relationship that I am so very blessed to be in today.

Everyone grows up having crushes on the cutest little boy or girl in kindergarten.  But once you enter middle school and high school, the word “crush” takes on a whole new meaning.  Growing up around all the pretty girls getting the boyfriends, I always felt like I would never be good enough for anyone to love me.  This was due to all the bullying and teasing I went through in earlier years of my life.  In a way, I still feel like I will never be good enough.

In think it was 6^th grade, I had my very first boyfriend.  His name was Timothy Roundtree.  I had my best friend at the time give him a note from me asking him if he will go out with me.  We held hands once.  We never talked except for once.  I thought that was normal since I grew up seeing my parents act the same way; never affectionate and barely talking.  This did not last long because I found out that he was going out with another girl.  This was my first betrayal… with many more to come.

Entering 7^th grade, some guys started to have interest in me.  I had no idea why, but I was not complaining. I just wanted someone that was going to be faithful to me, talk to me, share life stories with me and just have fun.  What I did not know at the time that it would take about ten more years to find that person. 

The summer between 7^th and 8^th grade, I started attending a library event every Thursday and I made some really great friends there (many that I am still friends with to this day).  I also met the boy that was soon to be my “first love”.  Let’s call him “thing 1”.  We started off as good friends and decided to take it further and try a relationship.  I was involved (on and off) with this guy until 2013.  That comes to an insane total of 8 years that I kept having feelings for this man.  We were only serious (but still on and off) for about 3 years back in high school days.  He did far too many drugs, he drank too much, and he had nothing going for him in life.  But for some reason, I kept going back to him.  He never made time for me, although I tried hard to make time for him.  It wasn’t until one day I realized that he had problems and was never going to change.  It was then that I decided to move on with my life.  He could not remember a damn thing the day after a heartfelt conversation because the drugs and alcohol clouding his memory.  He didn’t give two shits about me.  Eventually he got himself into rehab for a couple years following my request for him to get help.

While he was in jail, I was trying to move on with my life.  In 9^th grade, I met some really great people and I had my very first girlfriend.  I will have to write a totally different post about my coming out story (that will be fun… not).  My first high school boyfriend was NOT a great experience whatsoever.  I got a taste of what it is like to date someone controlling.  This guy would not let me meet up with my friends before and after school, he would grab my hand and speed up when a friend called my name in the hallway, and he would choose lunch tables for two so my friends could not sit with me.  I felt trapped and I knew I was going to end it, but I was actually scared. 

After that, I dated a few others and nothing was working out.  I would get really turned off by things they would say or we just wouldn’t have chemistry at all.  My second girlfriend and I lasted a year together.  What made me end the relationship with her is 1) she was bat shit crazy and 2) thing 1 got out of jail.  He and I decided to see if things would work out between us and what do you know, it didn’t.  He was too caught up in drugs to care.  By this point, I was starting to give up on relationships and the idea of love all together.  Everyone I tried dating would cheat on me, lie to me, or just not care enough to put effort into a relationship. 

When I graduated high school, I moved to Largo, FL for college.  I met someone through a mutual friend.  Let’s call this one “thing 2”.  We wasted no time in getting into a relationship.  Things were going pretty well to be honest.  I was starting to gain faith in relationships again. Thing 2 and I stayed together about a year and a half.  After a few months into the relationship, she moved in with me at my parent’s house.  This was a terrible idea.  She would complain about not having a job but would not put forward the effort to find one.  While I sweated my ass off every single day, while I was getting pissed and shit on, while I was holding my bladder for ten hours, she was at home with her feet up playing my Xbox.  I was so oblivious to the fact that I was being completely USED. I put her through college out of pocket.  I paid all of her medical bills.  I paid for food.  I let her use my car.  I bought her anything and everything she wanted.  All because she would complain about not having it and hint at me having “plenty of money”.  I believed that she was looking for a job until I looked at the computer history and found nothing but her talking to other girls.  Of course I believed the justifications she had for talking to other girls but not able to tell me what about.  I tried to look past that due to the overwhelming fear I had of being betrayed again for the last time.  Anyways, I went online and applied for ONE job under her information.  The next day, she had the job.  She complained every single day that she worked.  It was around the time she got this job (her first job in like 6 years) that I really started to realize the emotional, mental and physical abusive she was putting me through. 

Ever since she moved into the house with me and my parents, I would have to tell her exactly where I was going when I would leave the bedroom.  If I didn’t she would come searching for me.  One evening, I left the room to sit with my mom in the kitchen to have a conversation.  I heard my bedroom door open and my heart sank immediately.  She came out to the kitchen, asked why I didn’t tell her where I was going, and shoved past me on her way back to the room.  She would put her name in sharpie on everything in the fridge that she did not want my parents to touch.  I could not bring my phone to the bathroom with me.  She would check my messages and texts before I could see them.  She would tell me that I could not paint or do anything that did not involve her.  I was not even allowed to train other nurses at work due to her jealousy.  It became more serious when I realized the fights getting more frequent.  Toward the end, she started leaving marks on me.  One day when she was at work, I felt depressed, useless and stuck.  I decided that this is going to end one way or another and I should just get it over with.  I was so scared.  When she got home from work, I told her to pack everything and that I was taking her back to her dad’s house.  I told her we were going on a “break” but I knew it was over for good.  We tried to remain friends but she did not want that.  She wanted to keep pursuing me and I did not like that.  After thing 2 and I broke up, I started seeing thing 1 again in hopes that we could make things work.  After spending some time together, I realized that he will never change.  Years later, he was still the big loser he was when I met him.

After that, I had one other relationship that lasted about 4 months.  I will not go into detail about this relationship, all I will say is that it did not work out.  I wanted it to work out but there were so many things preventing it from working out including the fact that he was 15 years older than me, had a child and was a complete man whore. Plus, he was a huge ass with an even bigger ego.

After that relationship failed, I literally sat in my room and said “I give up”.  I was giving up on relationships and love.  I could not believe that I was 22 years old and have not found a decent person to spend life with.  All of my friends were getting married and starting families.  I felt useless and became content with the idea of being alone.  I was tired of getting hurt and honestly thought there was no hope for me finding someone. 

Shortly after I “gave up” something amazing happened that would change my life in so many amazing ways.  So to conclude part one: they say love finds you when you are not expecting it… well isn’t that the damn truth!

Seizures!

Seizures, Work, Relationships, Babies, Death and College!  Now isn't that a good mixture right there?  I will slowly but surely attempt to explain all of that to you in several blog posts.  It might be a tad bit long but just bear with me on these.

For starters, I was reading over this blog again and I realized that there are some really massive things that have happened in my life that I have not mentioned.  I'm not sure if anyone even reads this but it feels better to get everything off of my chest and putting it out there.  I also just like having this to read back on, kind of like a diary.
First big topic... my seizure.  Yes, I had a seizure.  It happened in August 2013, so it has almost been a year.  To make a long story short, I wanted to discontinue taking my old anti-depressant Zoloft and start taking a different medication that was weight-neutral.  The doctor recommended Wellbutrin.  So I started taking Wellbutrin.  I was told after a week or so, if I wasn't feeling any better, they could increase my dose.  After a little bit I went back to have my dose increased and not even a few days after my dose was increased, I started feeling really sick.  I wasn't eating, I felt dizzy, I got really lightheaded and sweaty and felt like I was going to faint.

One morning before work, I woke up at about 1pm and I had to be at work at 3pm so it was too soon to call in.  They would not accept the call off.  So I didn't eat anything and just headed to work.  When I got there, I had to sit down and close my eyes.  The bright fluorescent lights were killing me and I thought maybe I am just sick with the flu and I am dehydrated.  So I started chugging water.  Nothing was helping how I was feeling.  I paged my supervisor and asked if I could go home since I was just training that day anyways.  She told me no.  I started crying and panicking and told the new nurse I was training "I think I'm going to faint" and that is the last thing that I remember before I blacked out.  I woke up on the floor of my work, face down, in the position of a chalk outline on the sidewalk.  I saw all of my co-workers surrounding me telling me everything is going to be okay.  They were putting oxygen on me, putting pillows under my face, rubbing my back, and holding my hand.  I smelt like vomit and I could barely speak or think.  I was so confused.  I heard my co-worker Shefe calling 9-11.  She told the dispatcher that I had just had a 45 second seizure.  I started panicking.  I was told to relax but that is so difficult after you just heard that you had a seizure!  Especially being a nurse!  I was terrified.  I was put on a stretcher once the paramedics got there and was rushed to the E.R.  The paramedic sitting in the ambulance with me asked me if I bit my tongue and I instantly realized why I couldn't feel my mouth.
Upon arrival to the emergency room, I was questioned about 5 million different things and they couldn't seem to figure out why I had the seizure.  They kept telling me it was heat and dehydration but it didn't seem right to me.  Finally they brought in a specialist and when he heard the word Wellbutrin, he didn't need to hear any more.  That was the answer.  This medication that was supposed to be an anti-depressant for me has caused me to have a seizure at my workplace on the unsanitary tile floor.  I stayed admitted in the hospital for about a week while they did more testing on me.  It has been just about a year and I have never been more serious about my health before.  I have stopped all sugary drinks, started eating way healthier, stopped all anti-depressants and started working out more.  It really shouldn't have to take something serious happening to you for you to change your ways but unfortunately for me, I had to learn the hard way.  Although depression isn't something that is MY fault, there are other things to help deal with it other than these dangerous medications.  As a nurse and someone in the medical field, I will never administer or recommend Wellbutrin to anyone.