Maybe?

Maybe all I can do from this point forward is focus on me myself and I.  Focusing on other things does not really do me much good except disappoint me.

Relationship Nightmares

It’s finally time to talk about another topic on my list of life events to catch up on writing about.  Relationships.  Oh boy.  I think I will break this topic up into two parts.  First part will be all the terrible things I have experienced in relationships.  Part two will finish off on a happy ending talking about the relationship that I am so very blessed to be in today.

Everyone grows up having crushes on the cutest little boy or girl in kindergarten.  But once you enter middle school and high school, the word “crush” takes on a whole new meaning.  Growing up around all the pretty girls getting the boyfriends, I always felt like I would never be good enough for anyone to love me.  This was due to all the bullying and teasing I went through in earlier years of my life.  In a way, I still feel like I will never be good enough.

In think it was 6^th grade, I had my very first boyfriend.  His name was Timothy Roundtree.  I had my best friend at the time give him a note from me asking him if he will go out with me.  We held hands once.  We never talked except for once.  I thought that was normal since I grew up seeing my parents act the same way; never affectionate and barely talking.  This did not last long because I found out that he was going out with another girl.  This was my first betrayal… with many more to come.

Entering 7^th grade, some guys started to have interest in me.  I had no idea why, but I was not complaining. I just wanted someone that was going to be faithful to me, talk to me, share life stories with me and just have fun.  What I did not know at the time that it would take about ten more years to find that person. 

The summer between 7^th and 8^th grade, I started attending a library event every Thursday and I made some really great friends there (many that I am still friends with to this day).  I also met the boy that was soon to be my “first love”.  Let’s call him “thing 1”.  We started off as good friends and decided to take it further and try a relationship.  I was involved (on and off) with this guy until 2013.  That comes to an insane total of 8 years that I kept having feelings for this man.  We were only serious (but still on and off) for about 3 years back in high school days.  He did far too many drugs, he drank too much, and he had nothing going for him in life.  But for some reason, I kept going back to him.  He never made time for me, although I tried hard to make time for him.  It wasn’t until one day I realized that he had problems and was never going to change.  It was then that I decided to move on with my life.  He could not remember a damn thing the day after a heartfelt conversation because the drugs and alcohol clouding his memory.  He didn’t give two shits about me.  Eventually he got himself into rehab for a couple years following my request for him to get help.

While he was in jail, I was trying to move on with my life.  In 9^th grade, I met some really great people and I had my very first girlfriend.  I will have to write a totally different post about my coming out story (that will be fun… not).  My first high school boyfriend was NOT a great experience whatsoever.  I got a taste of what it is like to date someone controlling.  This guy would not let me meet up with my friends before and after school, he would grab my hand and speed up when a friend called my name in the hallway, and he would choose lunch tables for two so my friends could not sit with me.  I felt trapped and I knew I was going to end it, but I was actually scared. 

After that, I dated a few others and nothing was working out.  I would get really turned off by things they would say or we just wouldn’t have chemistry at all.  My second girlfriend and I lasted a year together.  What made me end the relationship with her is 1) she was bat shit crazy and 2) thing 1 got out of jail.  He and I decided to see if things would work out between us and what do you know, it didn’t.  He was too caught up in drugs to care.  By this point, I was starting to give up on relationships and the idea of love all together.  Everyone I tried dating would cheat on me, lie to me, or just not care enough to put effort into a relationship. 

When I graduated high school, I moved to Largo, FL for college.  I met someone through a mutual friend.  Let’s call this one “thing 2”.  We wasted no time in getting into a relationship.  Things were going pretty well to be honest.  I was starting to gain faith in relationships again. Thing 2 and I stayed together about a year and a half.  After a few months into the relationship, she moved in with me at my parent’s house.  This was a terrible idea.  She would complain about not having a job but would not put forward the effort to find one.  While I sweated my ass off every single day, while I was getting pissed and shit on, while I was holding my bladder for ten hours, she was at home with her feet up playing my Xbox.  I was so oblivious to the fact that I was being completely USED. I put her through college out of pocket.  I paid all of her medical bills.  I paid for food.  I let her use my car.  I bought her anything and everything she wanted.  All because she would complain about not having it and hint at me having “plenty of money”.  I believed that she was looking for a job until I looked at the computer history and found nothing but her talking to other girls.  Of course I believed the justifications she had for talking to other girls but not able to tell me what about.  I tried to look past that due to the overwhelming fear I had of being betrayed again for the last time.  Anyways, I went online and applied for ONE job under her information.  The next day, she had the job.  She complained every single day that she worked.  It was around the time she got this job (her first job in like 6 years) that I really started to realize the emotional, mental and physical abusive she was putting me through. 

Ever since she moved into the house with me and my parents, I would have to tell her exactly where I was going when I would leave the bedroom.  If I didn’t she would come searching for me.  One evening, I left the room to sit with my mom in the kitchen to have a conversation.  I heard my bedroom door open and my heart sank immediately.  She came out to the kitchen, asked why I didn’t tell her where I was going, and shoved past me on her way back to the room.  She would put her name in sharpie on everything in the fridge that she did not want my parents to touch.  I could not bring my phone to the bathroom with me.  She would check my messages and texts before I could see them.  She would tell me that I could not paint or do anything that did not involve her.  I was not even allowed to train other nurses at work due to her jealousy.  It became more serious when I realized the fights getting more frequent.  Toward the end, she started leaving marks on me.  One day when she was at work, I felt depressed, useless and stuck.  I decided that this is going to end one way or another and I should just get it over with.  I was so scared.  When she got home from work, I told her to pack everything and that I was taking her back to her dad’s house.  I told her we were going on a “break” but I knew it was over for good.  We tried to remain friends but she did not want that.  She wanted to keep pursuing me and I did not like that.  After thing 2 and I broke up, I started seeing thing 1 again in hopes that we could make things work.  After spending some time together, I realized that he will never change.  Years later, he was still the big loser he was when I met him.

After that, I had one other relationship that lasted about 4 months.  I will not go into detail about this relationship, all I will say is that it did not work out.  I wanted it to work out but there were so many things preventing it from working out including the fact that he was 15 years older than me, had a child and was a complete man whore. Plus, he was a huge ass with an even bigger ego.

After that relationship failed, I literally sat in my room and said “I give up”.  I was giving up on relationships and love.  I could not believe that I was 22 years old and have not found a decent person to spend life with.  All of my friends were getting married and starting families.  I felt useless and became content with the idea of being alone.  I was tired of getting hurt and honestly thought there was no hope for me finding someone. 

Shortly after I “gave up” something amazing happened that would change my life in so many amazing ways.  So to conclude part one: they say love finds you when you are not expecting it… well isn’t that the damn truth!

Seizures!

Seizures, Work, Relationships, Babies, Death and College!  Now isn't that a good mixture right there?  I will slowly but surely attempt to explain all of that to you in several blog posts.  It might be a tad bit long but just bear with me on these.

For starters, I was reading over this blog again and I realized that there are some really massive things that have happened in my life that I have not mentioned.  I'm not sure if anyone even reads this but it feels better to get everything off of my chest and putting it out there.  I also just like having this to read back on, kind of like a diary.
First big topic... my seizure.  Yes, I had a seizure.  It happened in August 2013, so it has almost been a year.  To make a long story short, I wanted to discontinue taking my old anti-depressant Zoloft and start taking a different medication that was weight-neutral.  The doctor recommended Wellbutrin.  So I started taking Wellbutrin.  I was told after a week or so, if I wasn't feeling any better, they could increase my dose.  After a little bit I went back to have my dose increased and not even a few days after my dose was increased, I started feeling really sick.  I wasn't eating, I felt dizzy, I got really lightheaded and sweaty and felt like I was going to faint.

One morning before work, I woke up at about 1pm and I had to be at work at 3pm so it was too soon to call in.  They would not accept the call off.  So I didn't eat anything and just headed to work.  When I got there, I had to sit down and close my eyes.  The bright fluorescent lights were killing me and I thought maybe I am just sick with the flu and I am dehydrated.  So I started chugging water.  Nothing was helping how I was feeling.  I paged my supervisor and asked if I could go home since I was just training that day anyways.  She told me no.  I started crying and panicking and told the new nurse I was training "I think I'm going to faint" and that is the last thing that I remember before I blacked out.  I woke up on the floor of my work, face down, in the position of a chalk outline on the sidewalk.  I saw all of my co-workers surrounding me telling me everything is going to be okay.  They were putting oxygen on me, putting pillows under my face, rubbing my back, and holding my hand.  I smelt like vomit and I could barely speak or think.  I was so confused.  I heard my co-worker Shefe calling 9-11.  She told the dispatcher that I had just had a 45 second seizure.  I started panicking.  I was told to relax but that is so difficult after you just heard that you had a seizure!  Especially being a nurse!  I was terrified.  I was put on a stretcher once the paramedics got there and was rushed to the E.R.  The paramedic sitting in the ambulance with me asked me if I bit my tongue and I instantly realized why I couldn't feel my mouth.
Upon arrival to the emergency room, I was questioned about 5 million different things and they couldn't seem to figure out why I had the seizure.  They kept telling me it was heat and dehydration but it didn't seem right to me.  Finally they brought in a specialist and when he heard the word Wellbutrin, he didn't need to hear any more.  That was the answer.  This medication that was supposed to be an anti-depressant for me has caused me to have a seizure at my workplace on the unsanitary tile floor.  I stayed admitted in the hospital for about a week while they did more testing on me.  It has been just about a year and I have never been more serious about my health before.  I have stopped all sugary drinks, started eating way healthier, stopped all anti-depressants and started working out more.  It really shouldn't have to take something serious happening to you for you to change your ways but unfortunately for me, I had to learn the hard way.  Although depression isn't something that is MY fault, there are other things to help deal with it other than these dangerous medications.  As a nurse and someone in the medical field, I will never administer or recommend Wellbutrin to anyone.  

Believe (Unspoken-Spoken Word)

Inhale.  Exhale.  That's all life is made of, mixed with a few words here and there of course.  So, you ask, what is the point of trying to find the source?  When all we do as humanity is research, trying to find something to believe in, fighting about what is right and all it does is make us hoarse.  Believe what you please but don't attempt to find your way down someones throat.  Instead, use that energy to praise and devote.  No two people will ever agree on everything precisely.  How could that possibly work and everyone still communicate nicely?  Diversity keeps the world spinning.  Even if it means that most people are "sinning" and everyone else is grinning.  Every sin has its own definition and background.  But the trick is to make it appear as some aren't as profound.  Nobody has the luxury of being flawless and pure.  But everybody sure as hell has the ability to be adult and mature.  Respect each others belief's but don't feel pressured to follow.   The only thing that should stick to your every move is your dignity and your own shadow. 

How Can I Begin To Explain?

If a deep,detailed explanation as to why I haven't posted in a while is what you're looking for, I'm sorry.
I'm not going to disclose that information due to the sole fact that it is far too much to explain, but I will give you a quick summary.
I started practicing as a licensed nurse in December of 2012 and have been working since.  I am going tomorrow to see about getting into a transitional program to get my license to be a registered nurse.  I am excited and I'm hoping for the best.  I was also in a relationship that lasted a little over a year.  It was a great relationship for the most part and we are still friends.  I am not a child anymore, therefore I do not choose to act as one.  I would rather converse as an adult and keep friends rather than stomp my feet and throw a fit and ruin friendships.
Along with relationships and working and all that exciting stuff, there's been a fair amount of tragedy.  With myself as well as with other family members and friends.  I've lost friends, made friends, had a lot of medical problems, watched family members struggle with medical problems, and much more that has shaped who I am today.  I like to fathom that everything happens for some reason, so I will not dwell on the hardships we struggle with.  All you can do is move past them and hope for the best.
On a much lighter note, there has been a new addition to the family.  Her name is Nala :]

I know, I know, she's adorable.  Aaaand much bigger now than she was in that photo.  But yes I do have 3 cats now.  They are not all mine, the other two are mainly my parents', so I don't feel like a crazy cat lady just yet.
But picking up where I left off before the adorable kitten took my attention away, yes, there is a lot going on in my life.  I am attempting to make things work between an old ex of mine.  I'm trying to get back into school.  I'm thinking more about the future rather than just short term, so I feel like I'm giving myself a good push.  But to help with that, and everything else, I'm going to start seeing a therapist.  I always looked down on people that had to attend counseling or see a therapist but I believe that I could really benefit from it.  Plus, what is there to lose?  Except the money in my wallet.  But that's beside the point.
I do not know what the future holds, nor do I wish to know.  I feel that things will work out in the long run and the journey getting there will be hard but worth it.  Because if things came easy, you would never appreciate them.  That's all for now.  I will try to write here more often.

:]

Welp, this sucks

I screwed things up already.  I don't know how, but I know I did.

My Struggles Growing Up (And Overcoming Them)

It always fucks me up to think that things just might be too good to be true.  It seems great, but there's a part of my brain thinking "What if this is all just going to end abruptly.  Then what?"
Well..
I don't really know then what.  All I can do is hope that things are going to work out and that things are not too good to be true.

How can I begin to explain this..
Well growing up, I've tried my hardest to bring myself to trust people.  Never have I completely opened up and let one person into my heart.  I've opened a window but never the door.  I've experienced lies, cheating, betrayal, all of the above and more.  With every disappointment, it's been harder to show anyone the real me in fears of that being the reason everyone seems to hurt me.
I fear that I may say something wrong.  Do something wrong.  Wear the wrong thing.
Not only in relationships but in life in general.  I've gotten WAY better about it since it started (which was in elementary school).  But I can only hope to have that one person by my side to let me know that I'm okay & that I can be me without having to worry about everyone tearing me down.
In elementary school, I always worried about what my hair looks like, what shoes I wore, if I was "cool" enough, my jeans are too high up, my socks are too long, my hair isn't perfect.  I didn't want to be perfect, I just didn't want to appear flawed.  I was constantly bullied for the way I dressed, or the way my hair was, or how I only had one jacket.  In 4th grade, before the bus came to pick me up, I was crying about how my hair didn't look good enough, so what do I do?  I take scissors to my hair.  I chopped my bangs off.  Which made it even worse.  I cried all day at school, ended up throwing up, and went home early.
I never realized how early my whole anxiety thing started until I really started to think back.  In middle school, I was lost.  I didn't know who the hell I was or what "style" I fit into.  Eventually I started getting made fun of even MORE in middle school.  In my mind, I was the ONE person in that school that everyone looked at and laughed at.  Why?  Because that's what my mind wanted to think.  Yeah, sure, a few people made fun of me, but they made fun of everyone.  I just took it as a threat and started to believe that everyone felt that way about me.  I was quiet.  No shit I was quiet, no one was worth talking to and every time I spoke a word, people would stare and say "It speaks!?!" .........
I lost my first friend in 7th grade.  Her name was Elisa Choleva.  Seeing my friend's cold, still body in a casket didn't exactly help with my depression and anxiety growing up.  Sometime after that, I lost another friend.  All of this building up and having no one to tell it to, or even knowing how to explain it if I had someone to tell it to.  Yeah.  That wasn't exactly the highlight of my life.
By the end of 7th grade, I started to self-harm.  I would take a safety pin and start cutting at my wrists.  I would cut at my ankles, my legs, my stomach, my chest, anything that could be easily hidden.  It was my only outlet at the time.  The only way I could possibly see myself getting rid of the pain.  I had a close friend that I talked to about it in a notebook that we would pass between classes.  Eventually, a teacher took away my notebook.  Which changed my life forever.
Of course the teacher being the bitch she was, read the entire notebook from front to back, but I'm glad she did.  The counselor called me down and demanded to see my wrists which I covered with wristbands every day.  She called my mom, put her on speaker phone, and had me tell her what I've done.  (Not the best form of intervention, but okay.)
My parents took everything away from me as if I was being punished for failing a test.  They took my music, my notebooks, my cell phone, my computer privileges, everything.  All I could possibly do was sit in my room alone with my thoughts.  The rest of middle school after that is a blur.
The summer before high school is when I realized I needed to do something.  I needed to find myself and get better.
My dad enrolled me into this "rock band camp" that was two weeks long, 5 hours a day, or some shit.  I had such horrible anxiety about this that before I would leave, I needed at least an hour or two to throw up.  I was so nauseous and I kept telling myself that I'm a failure, I'm going to mess up, I'm going to do something wrong, I'm going to disappoint my dad.
After rock band camp, everything returned back to normal, and I was fine.
But then came the first day of high school.  I threw up twice that morning, and then again when I got there.  Good times.  -_-
But after that first day, things started to finally look up.  I met some very awesome people and reconnected with some, too.  I started to let down my walls and by the second week of high school, I was already a very sociable person.  I had such a great group of friends.  They were so welcoming and caring and brightened my day.  Every time I'd go to school, I'd get showered with hugs, haha.  In the course of my first year of high school, I had my first kiss, I stopped self-harming, I met a great group of friends that potentially saved my life, I came out to my parents (thats a whole other story), and I had my first relationship.
I had quite a few friends die throughout my highschool years.  But I am just glad that I had the chance to know them before their time was up.
I can't say that high school was the best years of my life, those are still to come.  But I can say that high school potentially saved my life, and helped me find myself.
To this day, I have had a few horrific experiences that sparked up my anxiety, but in all, I like to believe that I'm getting better.  I keep the negative people out of my life, and the real friends in my life.  I surround myself with good people, and that's what makes life worth it.

I guess what I'm trying to get at (after my whole life story) is that I have never learned to trust anyone.  I've been bullied, I've been hurt by others (and myself), and I've been heart broken.  But I want to put all of that behind me and start to open not only my windows, but also my door.