4.22.2012
4.21.2012
My Struggles Growing Up (And Overcoming Them)
It always fucks me up to think that things just might be too good to be true. It seems great, but there's a part of my brain thinking "What if this is all just going to end abruptly. Then what?"
Well..
I don't really know then what. All I can do is hope that things are going to work out and that things are not too good to be true.
How can I begin to explain this..
Well growing up, I've tried my hardest to bring myself to trust people. Never have I completely opened up and let one person into my heart. I've opened a window but never the door. I've experienced lies, cheating, betrayal, all of the above and more. With every disappointment, it's been harder to show anyone the real me in fears of that being the reason everyone seems to hurt me.
I fear that I may say something wrong. Do something wrong. Wear the wrong thing.
Not only in relationships but in life in general. I've gotten WAY better about it since it started (which was in elementary school). But I can only hope to have that one person by my side to let me know that I'm okay & that I can be me without having to worry about everyone tearing me down.
In elementary school, I always worried about what my hair looks like, what shoes I wore, if I was "cool" enough, my jeans are too high up, my socks are too long, my hair isn't perfect. I didn't want to be perfect, I just didn't want to appear flawed. I was constantly bullied for the way I dressed, or the way my hair was, or how I only had one jacket. In 4th grade, before the bus came to pick me up, I was crying about how my hair didn't look good enough, so what do I do? I take scissors to my hair. I chopped my bangs off. Which made it even worse. I cried all day at school, ended up throwing up, and went home early.
I never realized how early my whole anxiety thing started until I really started to think back. In middle school, I was lost. I didn't know who the hell I was or what "style" I fit into. Eventually I started getting made fun of even MORE in middle school. In my mind, I was the ONE person in that school that everyone looked at and laughed at. Why? Because that's what my mind wanted to think. Yeah, sure, a few people made fun of me, but they made fun of everyone. I just took it as a threat and started to believe that everyone felt that way about me. I was quiet. No shit I was quiet, no one was worth talking to and every time I spoke a word, people would stare and say "It speaks!?!" .........
I lost my first friend in 7th grade. Her name was Elisa Choleva. Seeing my friend's cold, still body in a casket didn't exactly help with my depression and anxiety growing up. Sometime after that, I lost another friend. All of this building up and having no one to tell it to, or even knowing how to explain it if I had someone to tell it to. Yeah. That wasn't exactly the highlight of my life.
By the end of 7th grade, I started to self-harm. I would take a safety pin and start cutting at my wrists. I would cut at my ankles, my legs, my stomach, my chest, anything that could be easily hidden. It was my only outlet at the time. The only way I could possibly see myself getting rid of the pain. I had a close friend that I talked to about it in a notebook that we would pass between classes. Eventually, a teacher took away my notebook. Which changed my life forever.
Of course the teacher being the bitch she was, read the entire notebook from front to back, but I'm glad she did. The counselor called me down and demanded to see my wrists which I covered with wristbands every day. She called my mom, put her on speaker phone, and had me tell her what I've done. (Not the best form of intervention, but okay.)
My parents took everything away from me as if I was being punished for failing a test. They took my music, my notebooks, my cell phone, my computer privileges, everything. All I could possibly do was sit in my room alone with my thoughts. The rest of middle school after that is a blur.
The summer before high school is when I realized I needed to do something. I needed to find myself and get better.
My dad enrolled me into this "rock band camp" that was two weeks long, 5 hours a day, or some shit. I had such horrible anxiety about this that before I would leave, I needed at least an hour or two to throw up. I was so nauseous and I kept telling myself that I'm a failure, I'm going to mess up, I'm going to do something wrong, I'm going to disappoint my dad.
After rock band camp, everything returned back to normal, and I was fine.
But then came the first day of high school. I threw up twice that morning, and then again when I got there. Good times. -_-
But after that first day, things started to finally look up. I met some very awesome people and reconnected with some, too. I started to let down my walls and by the second week of high school, I was already a very sociable person. I had such a great group of friends. They were so welcoming and caring and brightened my day. Every time I'd go to school, I'd get showered with hugs, haha. In the course of my first year of high school, I had my first kiss, I stopped self-harming, I met a great group of friends that potentially saved my life, I came out to my parents (thats a whole other story), and I had my first relationship.
I had quite a few friends die throughout my highschool years. But I am just glad that I had the chance to know them before their time was up.
I can't say that high school was the best years of my life, those are still to come. But I can say that high school potentially saved my life, and helped me find myself.
To this day, I have had a few horrific experiences that sparked up my anxiety, but in all, I like to believe that I'm getting better. I keep the negative people out of my life, and the real friends in my life. I surround myself with good people, and that's what makes life worth it.
I guess what I'm trying to get at (after my whole life story) is that I have never learned to trust anyone. I've been bullied, I've been hurt by others (and myself), and I've been heart broken. But I want to put all of that behind me and start to open not only my windows, but also my door.
Well..
I don't really know then what. All I can do is hope that things are going to work out and that things are not too good to be true.
How can I begin to explain this..
Well growing up, I've tried my hardest to bring myself to trust people. Never have I completely opened up and let one person into my heart. I've opened a window but never the door. I've experienced lies, cheating, betrayal, all of the above and more. With every disappointment, it's been harder to show anyone the real me in fears of that being the reason everyone seems to hurt me.
I fear that I may say something wrong. Do something wrong. Wear the wrong thing.
Not only in relationships but in life in general. I've gotten WAY better about it since it started (which was in elementary school). But I can only hope to have that one person by my side to let me know that I'm okay & that I can be me without having to worry about everyone tearing me down.
In elementary school, I always worried about what my hair looks like, what shoes I wore, if I was "cool" enough, my jeans are too high up, my socks are too long, my hair isn't perfect. I didn't want to be perfect, I just didn't want to appear flawed. I was constantly bullied for the way I dressed, or the way my hair was, or how I only had one jacket. In 4th grade, before the bus came to pick me up, I was crying about how my hair didn't look good enough, so what do I do? I take scissors to my hair. I chopped my bangs off. Which made it even worse. I cried all day at school, ended up throwing up, and went home early.
I never realized how early my whole anxiety thing started until I really started to think back. In middle school, I was lost. I didn't know who the hell I was or what "style" I fit into. Eventually I started getting made fun of even MORE in middle school. In my mind, I was the ONE person in that school that everyone looked at and laughed at. Why? Because that's what my mind wanted to think. Yeah, sure, a few people made fun of me, but they made fun of everyone. I just took it as a threat and started to believe that everyone felt that way about me. I was quiet. No shit I was quiet, no one was worth talking to and every time I spoke a word, people would stare and say "It speaks!?!" .........
I lost my first friend in 7th grade. Her name was Elisa Choleva. Seeing my friend's cold, still body in a casket didn't exactly help with my depression and anxiety growing up. Sometime after that, I lost another friend. All of this building up and having no one to tell it to, or even knowing how to explain it if I had someone to tell it to. Yeah. That wasn't exactly the highlight of my life.
By the end of 7th grade, I started to self-harm. I would take a safety pin and start cutting at my wrists. I would cut at my ankles, my legs, my stomach, my chest, anything that could be easily hidden. It was my only outlet at the time. The only way I could possibly see myself getting rid of the pain. I had a close friend that I talked to about it in a notebook that we would pass between classes. Eventually, a teacher took away my notebook. Which changed my life forever.
Of course the teacher being the bitch she was, read the entire notebook from front to back, but I'm glad she did. The counselor called me down and demanded to see my wrists which I covered with wristbands every day. She called my mom, put her on speaker phone, and had me tell her what I've done. (Not the best form of intervention, but okay.)
My parents took everything away from me as if I was being punished for failing a test. They took my music, my notebooks, my cell phone, my computer privileges, everything. All I could possibly do was sit in my room alone with my thoughts. The rest of middle school after that is a blur.
The summer before high school is when I realized I needed to do something. I needed to find myself and get better.
My dad enrolled me into this "rock band camp" that was two weeks long, 5 hours a day, or some shit. I had such horrible anxiety about this that before I would leave, I needed at least an hour or two to throw up. I was so nauseous and I kept telling myself that I'm a failure, I'm going to mess up, I'm going to do something wrong, I'm going to disappoint my dad.
After rock band camp, everything returned back to normal, and I was fine.
But then came the first day of high school. I threw up twice that morning, and then again when I got there. Good times. -_-
But after that first day, things started to finally look up. I met some very awesome people and reconnected with some, too. I started to let down my walls and by the second week of high school, I was already a very sociable person. I had such a great group of friends. They were so welcoming and caring and brightened my day. Every time I'd go to school, I'd get showered with hugs, haha. In the course of my first year of high school, I had my first kiss, I stopped self-harming, I met a great group of friends that potentially saved my life, I came out to my parents (thats a whole other story), and I had my first relationship.
I had quite a few friends die throughout my highschool years. But I am just glad that I had the chance to know them before their time was up.
I can't say that high school was the best years of my life, those are still to come. But I can say that high school potentially saved my life, and helped me find myself.
To this day, I have had a few horrific experiences that sparked up my anxiety, but in all, I like to believe that I'm getting better. I keep the negative people out of my life, and the real friends in my life. I surround myself with good people, and that's what makes life worth it.
I guess what I'm trying to get at (after my whole life story) is that I have never learned to trust anyone. I've been bullied, I've been hurt by others (and myself), and I've been heart broken. But I want to put all of that behind me and start to open not only my windows, but also my door.
4.08.2012
Late Update
This is a very late post, but I wanted to share something I did for someone special to me. It was totally out of the blue. I just felt the urge to do something nice for this person. But I was especially proud of myself for this piece.
Enjoy!
3.03.2012
Oh, the paintings.
As I mentioned in my last blog, which I posted not even minutes ago, I have been spending a lot of time painting. I've also spent a lot of time drawing. (I've been drawing since I was a kid, but recently picked it back up). I will post a few of my paintings/ drawings here for you lovely people to enjoy.
By the way, I also do commissions, if you enjoy my work and would like more information, you can add my on Facebook. I'm very reasonable on my prices :)
Www.Facebook.Com/WhoaaaSteph
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This one is obviously a Dali tribute. This one was a huge hit, sold a few.
This was a commission for a friend. She wanted me to draw a picture of her precious German Shepard Nala.
This was a sketch I did about a few months ago.
I bought stencils from Michaels and thought this would be a good piece. I think it turned out beautiful.
I love this one.
I really hope you all enjoyed this post :)
Man, I'm a slacker! Like, real talk.
I've been spending 50% of my time studying and the other 50% screwing around on the computer playing EverQuest II (best friend insisted that I do so) And got me addicted... shit. I've also been working on more paintings and what not for extra cash. Not only that but it helps me escape reality and enter this fluid-like universe where everything can blend together and seem like it makes sense for a while. If I could just paint and love and explore for the rest of my life, that would be amazing. Everyone should have that opportunity. Isn't that what life is about anyways? Why should we spend our precious time given here on work and stressors that are totally unnecessary. I mean, obviously we need money to live a decent life in this world, but if you can do what you love and still make it in the world, why the hell not?
Sorry, I'm really delirious right now haha. I've gotten like 2 hours of sleep, literally, in the past three days. My body is about to shut down on me and I can't really decipher reality from fantasy.
But speaking of being tired and money! I'm taking my NCLEX-PN on March 30th. That's really not that far away AT ALL. And I am more nervous than anything. This is the most nerve racking thing I've ever had to do in my 20 years. I don't know what I'll do if I fail but I also don't know what I'll do if I pass. I'll probably have to sit down for an hour or two just to absorb it and then drive home. Because I can't drive and cry at the same time, haha. But I hope I get a lot of luck from whoever reads these things and, god, I just hope I can make it so I can start my life. I can start my career and maybe in the future become a traveling nurse. It's my dream.
I will update this soon. I promise.
Always,
Stephanie Nicole.
Sorry, I'm really delirious right now haha. I've gotten like 2 hours of sleep, literally, in the past three days. My body is about to shut down on me and I can't really decipher reality from fantasy.
But speaking of being tired and money! I'm taking my NCLEX-PN on March 30th. That's really not that far away AT ALL. And I am more nervous than anything. This is the most nerve racking thing I've ever had to do in my 20 years. I don't know what I'll do if I fail but I also don't know what I'll do if I pass. I'll probably have to sit down for an hour or two just to absorb it and then drive home. Because I can't drive and cry at the same time, haha. But I hope I get a lot of luck from whoever reads these things and, god, I just hope I can make it so I can start my life. I can start my career and maybe in the future become a traveling nurse. It's my dream.
I will update this soon. I promise.
Always,
Stephanie Nicole.
1.28.2012
Whoa...100 Workout!!
Okay, so have any of you been crazy enough to try the "100 workout"?
I found out about it on Tumblr and I decided to try it tonight because I've been looking for a workout that fits into my specific needs. Basically I'll give you the general idea:
Moving along.. I'm going to try and do this again tomorrow night and see how far I get and I will update you. I won't be updating every day since this is not a workout/fitness blog, hahah. But comment and let me know if any of you have been NUTS enough to do this!!! I don't know if I'll ever get all the way through!
<3 Goodnight
I found out about it on Tumblr and I decided to try it tonight because I've been looking for a workout that fits into my specific needs. Basically I'll give you the general idea:
100 Workout:
100 Jumping Jacks
90 Crunches
80 Squats
70 Leg Lifts
60 Jumping Jacks
50 Crunches
40 Squats
30 Leg Lifts
20 Jumping Jacks
10 Minute Run
Okay... so if THAT isn't insane, I don't know what is. All of those workouts raise your heart rate significantly. Guess how far I made it tonight? Not very far. I made it to 100 Jumping Jacks, 90 Crunches, 80 Squats, and I think 30 Leg Lifts. Oh my god, I was DYING. *Come on now, cut me some slack, I had surgery only a month ago*Moving along.. I'm going to try and do this again tomorrow night and see how far I get and I will update you. I won't be updating every day since this is not a workout/fitness blog, hahah. But comment and let me know if any of you have been NUTS enough to do this!!! I don't know if I'll ever get all the way through!
<3 Goodnight
1.24.2012
Beginning of a Short Story
Give opinions?
It's called Dependency.
-------------------
He has a fixation to methadone, heroin and ecstasy. I cannot help but be completely and utterly terrified that one of these days I’m going to come home to find my husband expired slumped over the side of the bathtub as if he was attempting to drown himself due to his conscious filled with spite but instead he unintentionally overdosed. His horrible addiction intimidates me. What would be the most pertinent thing to tell my son when he is mature enough to understand that his father was a screw up? Right now he can probably hear me weeping through the amniotic membrane that he is going to be trapped in for the next 3 months. The last thing I want to do is burden my child before Jaelan can even comprehend the real world that he is soon to encounter. I named him Jaelan after his father, Jay. Sometimes I regret naming him after the horrible man he has become. Instead I tend to look at him and see the old Jay that I fell in love with, married to and started a lovely family with.. or so I thought. I would rather see that man than this broken down corpse that scarcely stands in front of me today. A lot of times I sit around wondering what could have been.
It's called Dependency.
-------------------
He has a fixation to methadone, heroin and ecstasy. I cannot help but be completely and utterly terrified that one of these days I’m going to come home to find my husband expired slumped over the side of the bathtub as if he was attempting to drown himself due to his conscious filled with spite but instead he unintentionally overdosed. His horrible addiction intimidates me. What would be the most pertinent thing to tell my son when he is mature enough to understand that his father was a screw up? Right now he can probably hear me weeping through the amniotic membrane that he is going to be trapped in for the next 3 months. The last thing I want to do is burden my child before Jaelan can even comprehend the real world that he is soon to encounter. I named him Jaelan after his father, Jay. Sometimes I regret naming him after the horrible man he has become. Instead I tend to look at him and see the old Jay that I fell in love with, married to and started a lovely family with.. or so I thought. I would rather see that man than this broken down corpse that scarcely stands in front of me today. A lot of times I sit around wondering what could have been.
The Wrath of Nurture
I can be belligerent,
But as time goes by, I can feel my heart augment.
Anguish creeping back up from the burnt pages of my past,
I can recollect,
But I prefer to neglect.
The shards of glass have fallen from the Skyy,
Suddenly everything seems awry.
But as time goes by, I can feel my heart augment.
Anguish creeping back up from the burnt pages of my past,
I can recollect,
But I prefer to neglect.
The shards of glass have fallen from the Skyy,
Suddenly everything seems awry.
1.22.2012
Life Has Been Crazy, Mind Has Been Hazy
A new addition to the family has appeared. No I'm not talking about a baby. I'm talking about a kitten. Of course I am.
She is absolutely beautiful but she makes me feel like a crazy cat lady. I already have one cat but she despises everything and anything. This adorable little girl is the exact opposite. She loves everything. Mostly me, though. I could tell from the moment we brought her into our humble abode (Heh..could have fooled me) that she was going to be my loyal cat.
But due to the new addition in combination with quitting my job, I have had zero time to write.
I have been working on some pieces of art and other things though. I cannot live a life without creativity. I'm sorry. But I just can't do it. I'd rather be a struggling artist than be doing something that I hate. Life is too momentary to be selling yourself short. I'm going to live my life. I'm going to travel. And I'm going to express myself. And I love that about myself.
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